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| I come yet again to something that always seems to confound me.
When I get depressed, or manic, I do stupid sinful stuff I wouldn't do if my mood was level.
When I do this stuff, it's like I’m doing it, but it's not really me. I know it's not all like "the bipolar made me do it" or some stupid crap like that, but an illness that causes you to be more susceptible to sin is just like, I can't get my head around it even a little bit.
I know God forgives me for the stupid stuff I do when I'm up or down, but when I’m there, it doesn't seem like a bad decision. It doesn't seem sinful, I don't think about or even really realize the negative consequences, or what God would think of it, or any of the things I do when I am in a more steady mood.
How could God allow such an illness to exist? One which makes you so much more susceptible to sin and do horrible life altering things?
I really struggle with taking my medicine. I hate it, and my former therapist Carrie always equated it to someone with diabetes, you don't think of them as being weak because they take meds, etc. This illness though, is so far different from any non-mental illness (I’m using "non-mental" completely on purpose. Because in my case it definitely is a chemical, physical illness.) in how it affects your life.
Diabetics don't come to truly believe they can fly.
Taking daily medication for non-mental illnesses is so far different from taking medication for mental illness because they way the illnesses work is so different.
I know however that the reasons I hate taking my meds a diabetic probably would wholeheartedly agree with, and vice versa, yet I think it would be so much easier to come to terms with daily medication for a non-mental illness. Nobody doubts that diabetes is a real illness. People don't think diabetes is a lack of faith and if only you would draw nearer to Christ, you wouldn't deal with it. I hate when people see the amount of pills I take and the look of shock they get on their face. I hate that friends say they would rather go crazy than take as many pills as I do. Where I would be without this damn medicine I hate so incredibly much is scary enough for me to be pretty good about taking my medicine.
I wish my brain wasn't broken. I wish I wasn't on 3 different medications for this illness. I wish I didn't know the inside of a psychiatric ward. I wish I could take 11 hours, lead the prayer team, and do what Rob is helping me to without feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I wish I knew where the illness ended and I begin.
What does wishing accomplish though? I can wish all I want and it changes nothing. The only thing that changes anything is gritting your teeth, humbling yourself to God and your friends for the billionth time and trying to move forward.
That is my heart.
Angela
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| I'm up and ready for church, which starts at 10, it's 9, and one of my roomates is asleep in the living room. . . I've got stuff I could be doing up there, I REALLY need to wash the dishes as I'm having a friend over tonight and the Roost has NO counter space, but Amy's asleep on the couch instead of her bed. That girl needs to learn that scary movies scare her to the point she can't sleep in her room in the basement, so she shouldn't go see them. UGH! lol.
It doesn't really bother me that much, I'll have 2 hours or so after I get back from hanging out with people after church, but it is a little frustrating that I can't use this time to be as productive.
Mom came up Friday after school and brought me some stuff and helped me get stuff organized in my room yesterday, and we had some good hang out time. It was really a blessing to have that. Mom was a lot more relaxed because she wasn't at home, and I really needed the help. We hung out around downtown in the afternoon, and I got my ears gauged to 8's. They look pretty good! They're still kind of sore though. They guy who tapered them didn't charge me for it, and i think it's because I didn't even flinch when he did it. He said some girls throw a big fit when he tapers their ears. It hurt, but not that bad.
I'm really excited about school this semester. I'm going to be taking some interesting classes, and i'm just at a good place emotionally, and i'm a lot more socially comfortable than i was last semester. I'm taking Spanish II, which is a little intimidating since I haven't taken spanish since senior year five years ago. Collective Behavior, which i'm SUPER excited about. It's like the study of how groups react to things and such. It's writing intensive, which is a touch intimidating, but i'm a lot more confident after getting my paper for Black Americans done. And I'm also taking Social Research. I'm thinking that will be good to learn, and fascinating, but not the most exciting or enthralling. It will be a little more of a challenge to stay interested in maybe.
What I'm most excited about however is what God is going to do this semester. One of my friends, Rob, is putting me through "Jesus Boot Camp" as we call it, basically to help me to be less of a slacker, and I want to learn more theology and stuff like that. So him and I are going to hang out every week. I'm really excited about this. To have someone in "real life" invest in me in the way so many of my internet friends have wished they could brings tears to my eyes. I'm cooking and maybe hosting my small group through church at my house, depending on my last roommates approval, so that's exciting. I love having people over, and our house is sooo cute! A new girl, Ashley, has started coming to church at Karis, and she's just moved to Columbia and is dealing with some heavy stuff, and Rob is kind of passing her off on me to kind of keep her going and just be her friend and stuff. I'm really excited to get to know her and introduce her to some of my friends and such.
I'm also going to be hanging out with one of my friends from high school every week. please please please pray for her. she was a Christian in high school and has since given up on God completely. She's so much fun though! I am just excited to see what God might do with this friendship you know?
I'm also really hoping to make an effort to hang out with my "G3" (Gillett 3rd floor) girls as often as possible. I really don't want to lose those friendships I made in the dorm last semester. I know God is not through working there.
Alright, I need to go finish getting ready and go pick Ashley up for Karis!
Much Love Slices!!
Angela!
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| Drinking Caffinated tea at midnight is stupid.
it's 4:30 and i'm wide awake. BAH. so, once it's a reasonable hour, and hopefully i've gotten some sleep, i'm gonna make some of my DECAF sweet tea! lol oy.
I have had some good prayer and journaling though.
Please pray for me friends. I really truly deeply deeply desire to know God more, yet I am afraid to dig into the Word because last time I had a regular Bible study and was doing good in that regard, I had a really bad delusion relating to Jesus. It was horrifying.
This illness is so much bigger than I am, but praise God, He's so much bigger than it.
I've been wanting to get back in the word for a long time and just haven't been able to do it, and haven't really known what's been keeping me from it, and tonight it clicked that i'm just scared. I'm scared of this illness taking over my mind again. I'm scared of losing this mental clarity I have so recently gained. I want to continue on this path of, recovery? I fear hitting my "peak" whatever that may be, and that it may be far lower than i believe I am capable of.
I'm sure some of this fear is unfounded, usually fear/worry is, isn't it? I know however, to keep getting "better," happier, more joyful, I must keep drawing nearer to the source of that joy. Which means facing this fear and drawing near to my glorious Jesus.
Please pray. (and pray I can find a job. . .)
Thanks dear friends. I love you!
Much Love,
Angela
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| I feel a sense of fear, and I didn't really know what it was, so I've been exploring that feeling, just kind of trying to figure out what exactly it is i'm afraid of. Right now the number one thing I'm working on in my life is discipline, just real basic stuff like waking up and going to bed at normal hours, taking my meds, journaling, reading the Bible. Good stuff you know? Every time I take a step forward, i get like, the nervous scared feeling in my stomach. It's not the anticipatory excited feeling, it's like honest fear.
I fear success. By success I mean my definition of success which I guess would be having graduated from college and living healthily working somewhere doing missions through gardening. Strange how the thing that excites me most is the thing i also fear most. I guess I partially fear that in seeking health, in seeking to better myself, I will reach the highest level of coping I can achieve. That is terrifying.
It is so much easier to continue to slack and blame this illness for being a slacker than it is to kick my ass into shape and work so filthy hard to focus in class, to remember to do the basic things which seem so incredibly easy for my peers but drain me so much. It is almost impossible to put into words what is so hard about daily tasks, but they just seem to take up so much more energy, it's like I don't have the same amount of "get up and go" as other people seem to.
I hate home. I hate being here. I'm so incredibly lonely and things are just so negative here. At school I can forget some of the crap I can't forget about when I'm at home. School doesn't start back up until the 22nd, and I hate that. I wish it started on Monday. I have a house in Columbia, so I could easily go live there, but without a job, I fear I would be just as bored and lonely. At least here at home Mom will be starting work again on Monday so I won't have to be around her as much, and I'm going to be working for her either at school or at home, so I'll have stuff to do, but not necessarily have to be around her near constant bitching.
If I could magically get a job in Columbia, I would go on and move there before school starts back up. Right now, unfortunately, it looks like the best thing to do is to stay home.
I hate money.
Much Love,
Angela
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| So I'm sitting here in the Roost (my house in CoMo) and I thought I would let my brain decompress onto Xanga for a bit.
God is amazing. You all know that, but I like to state the obvious every once in awhile. There are times i look back on the past five years and get extremely depressed and angry, and there are times when i look back and get extremely grateful for how far God has brought me. It was just a year or a year and a half ago that my former psychiatrist and my mom were encouraging me to look into moving into a long term group home type facility. I'm so glad I have the ability through Christ to remove myself from who I was in the past and claim a clean slate. Otherwise what hope would there be?
Growing up is such a difficult thing to do, especially leaving home in a final way. Part of me just want's to kind of tell my parents to shove off, but I know that would be the stupidest thing I could do. Finding the healthy way to assert my independence from them is just really difficult for both sides. In some regards I'm the first to do this in my family as Beth kind of had adulthood and independence thrust upon her when she had Daniel and got married to David. So my parent's are just as lost in how to deal with this as I am. And dealing with how I feel about it is annoying too. As much as I want to become an "independent adult," there is definitely a big part of me I find getting jealous of Jenni and her "still dependent" status with Mom and Dad. Being in college as I'm making this transition make's things difficult too, because I don't and can't have a full time job to be fiscally independant. I do plan on working part time next semester though. I'm definitely excited about that. I feel better about myself when I'm earning some money and not just living off my parents.
I have found that I am really passionate about sustainable agriculture. Some of you might know that I got really into it this summer. This fall I kind of got out of it, but it's back with a vengence. I am passionate about food and where it comes from. In some of my looking around online, i've discovered i can marry my passion of sociology and ag through Urban agriculture. It's basically gardening in the city, sometimes having animals as well. There are programs which take poverty stricken people and area's and teach them how to grow their own vegetables. This is beneficial because it is a LOT cheaper to grow your own food than it is to have it shipped in to the cities. It also provides a small source of income and some city beautification. I hope to either minor in Sustainable Ag, or do something with it. I plan on talking with an advisor in the Ag school later in January about what would be best.
I know God has called me to full time Missions, and that is exciting and scary as heck. He keeps leading me down the least expected, yet most perfect path. It's so amazing what God does with your life with you surrender everything, your hopes, your dreams, your plan for you future. It's so cool.
Much Love,
Angela
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